Wattle I Do /When You /Are Far Away

I know that Thanksgiving feels like ages ago but I keep having recurring nightmares about turkeys.  There are  many things I find unattractive about them but leading the pack is that skin hanging from the turkey’s neck– its wattle.  After  extensive discussions with some members of the psychotherapeutic community I’m beginning to make a connection between my own life and those turkey necks which may help to explain my night sweats.

As I and my contemporaries are getting older I’m starting to see some serious signs of aging;  none of which bother me as much as the nascent (and not so nascent) signs of wattles which are making unwelcome (I assume) appearances on too many people who intersect my life.   Although I’ve been pretty successful at holding my sag at bay (unless I’m delusional), seeing friends and acquaintances with wattles at different stages of development seems inexorably, to be a window into my future.  Real life images of Dorian Gray.

You should know that up until now I’ve been a real naysayer when it comes to anyone having cosmetic surgery.  I’m pretty good at adopting a holier than thou attitude;  actually, it’s probably what I do best.  But like Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich (maybe this isn’t the best company with whom to align myself), I reserve the right to reverse myself at anytime about anything if it serves my self-interest.  So when the time comes to deal with my wattle, I can’t see how snipping off some extra skin is that big a deal.  I’m not even sure I’d call it cosmetic…or even surgery, for that matter.  Really, as I think about it, it’s not much different from clipping one’s nails.

Of course, another way to deal with the looming wattle-battle is to grow a beard.  To an outsider (meaning, someone who isn’t me) this would seem like a reasonable option.  But, as with too many things, I’ve taken  a position in the past which is at odds with one that might benefit me now.  (This is where Messrs. Romney and Gingrich come in very handy.)  In the 60’s and 70’s every guy I knew had a full beard.  I did too.  But after a while I started to realize… we all looked alike.  This beard thing was turning out to be a great equalizer; ugly guys with weak chins, bad skin and puffy faces looked the same as us not-so-ugly guys.  Something didn’t seem right about it.  So I eventually evolved into a person with a pejorative view of people with beards  (think: holier than thou).   Of course, you can see the quandary this puts me in as I consider employing the beard-hiding-wattle gambit. (To say nothing of the problem it creates in having any friends– with or without beards.)

So, what’ll I do when it starts to look like I’m about to begin tripping on one of my chins?   Probably, I’ll opt for the surgery.  Have a little celebration; invite some friends.  Maybe serve some bagels and smoked fish.  A  bris for my chin.  Just another religious ritual–nothing cosmetic about that!

I think that's me....we all looked like that.

Well....maybe not ALL of us


3 Responses to “Wattle I Do /When You /Are Far Away”

  1. David Says:

    you look better with the beard…or was that only because the picture was taken in the 19th century,,,,oops, 20th century. btw, am I the only one other than you who know that one of the people pictured on your site is Gabby Hayes??

  2. iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

    sad to say i think most readers don’t even KNOW who gabby hayes is, let alone recognize him.

    funny how gabby doesn’t look as bad or as old as i remember. not sure what that says….but i can’t imagine it’s good.

  3. Mike McPartland Says:

    I guess by now you’ve probably lost all of your wattling friends. (Taking it on the chin, so to speak?) Well, don’ feel bad. Just keep your chin(s) up!

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