Help Wanted

I need help.  Actually, we need help. Garfield Realty is looking for an additional family member.   The reasons are two-fold.  First, we could actually use someone to help with the business end of things.  But of greater importance, is our need to have an odd number of people working here.  You see, this place is run as a democracy and since we’ve become a six person office, all too often we have tie votes in making business decisions–we’ve become stalemated.  Joe Biden, who would be the tie-breaker in a 50/50 Senate vote, is an obvious choice but  he seems to be busy with his rosaries and such.  Anyway, we should probably look for a more local solution.

The criteria for the person we’re looking for is pretty specific.  Right now, we have only one woman, Zil, working here. (In the real estate business this is the equivalent to fielding a Sumo wrestling team of skinny people.)  So, it’s essential that our next member be a woman.  Also, Zil isn’t that tall…we could use a little height on  that side of the aisle.  I think we should be looking for a woman who’s at least, say 5′ 6″ tall.  And, I believe we’re all right-handed;  so definitely a southpaw. Also, there’s no one of color working here (in fact, most everyone is pretty pale) so I’m thinking a tall, left-handed  black or  latina woman would be a nice fit.  One other concern–right now the office is made up of three Jews and three Gentiles; so this seventh person could have an important role when we have to vote on some ideological issues.  Also, on which holidays to close the office.  She would  be our version of Supreme Court Justice Kennedy–the swing vote. (We already have our Scalia, thank you.)  But as I think about it, being cast in that role might be too much pressure for a new comer.  Maybe that would be less of a problem if she were half Jewish. 

 Okay, that’s it!  The “Help Wanted” ad practically writes itself: “Looking for tall, left-handed black or latina woman one of whose parents is Jewish (could be either one).  No experience necessary”.   How hard could it be to find someone like that?


One Response to “Help Wanted”

  1. Mike McPartland Says:

    I have a woman in mind for your office staff, but she’s not left-handed. She’s ambidextrous. She’s also mostly ambivalent about work and somewhat ambiguous about her personal beliefs. Oh, and she’s also bisexual. All that would be better, wouldn’t it?

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