The Gap

It seems that against all odds,  I’m about to join my local gym.  Which of course, I know is a lot different from actually going to the gym.  But I guess it’s a prerequisite.    It’s not as if I need to lose weight…really, not even close.  And from all the tennis I’m playing I’m in pretty good shape….I’m as they say, “fit”.  Really, the only reason I’m joining is to add some tone and muscle mass to this machine I inhabit.  This is not for health or any reason other than just plain vanity.  Please, let’s  keep that between you and I –the two of us.  

I see a number of problems on the horizon for me.  It’s going to take oh-so-little for me to find a reason not to get to the gym.  Maybe I’ll need to rotate my tires…or possibly organize my sock drawer–something like that.  But the larger problem, as I see it, is that if I wind up going and actually do have some results to show for it,  I’ll have to continue to keep at it just to maintain my new body.  Forever.  The chances of that happening is less than zero. 

I have some experience in this area so I know that I’m not being wildly pessimistic.  As you may or may not  know, I have a space between my two front teeth which has been there my entire life…what I’ve always referred to as “My Gap.”   Not huge (except if it was in your mouth) but noticeable.  My childhood family dentist explained  that  I have what is known as a “tongue thrust” meaning that when I swallow, my tongue goes crazy and hits the inside of my front teeth which  pushes them out and apart. (Sounds attractive, no?)  It’s something I don’t ordinarily reveal …but in case you haven’t noticed, you and I have become much closer of late.  The space isn’t so bad that I can’t leave the house, but I’ve always wanted to see what I would look like without it.  So when a few years ago, either I or my brother-in-law, Nek, who is an orthodontist, suggested that I get some braces to take care of my problem, we did just that.  And miraculously, within a few weeks of wearing night braces, my space…my Gap, was gone.  I now had the perfect uppers I had always dreamed of! (Forget the lowers…mine, like most people I know are a hell hole evocative of the anarchy in  parts of Africa.)

I sported this new look for a while.  Surprisingly, my life didn’t change.  People who used to avoid me, continued to avoid me; no one was any nicer to me;  girls weren’t throwing themselves at me.  I know there’s a lesson in there somewhere…but I’ll let someone else figure it out.    After a week or two, wearing the  braces became too annoying, so I stopped using them.  And sure enough, within a few weeks of constant tongue thrusting, my teeth returned to the place they are happiest.  Moronically, I didn’t take any photos of my  gapless smile.  (This could be the germ of an idea for a companion Moronicman blog.)  But take my word for it….I looked great.  The lesson here is that like the braces adventure , working out would require a committment I don’t think I have in me.

As an aside: that episode revived a nagging bone I have in my craw.   It reminded me that, in a blatant example of intellectual property theft, the retail chain,The GAP,  had stolen my term.  At the time I considered filing my very, very first frivolous lawsuit  against them and for good measure their subsidiary, OLD NAVY.   But life got in the way and I moved on.

So now as I’m thinking about that gym, I’m wondering if it makes sense to sign on for something that is mind-numbingly boring, the benefits of which will exist only as long as I continue the mind-numbing routine.  Maybe I’d  be better off just wearing those damn braces.  Or maybe get back to that lawsuit…or the sock drawer…or possibly deal with those tires…or…

P.S.  Those white things you see falling on your screen are supposed to be snowflakes, not dandruff. 





6 Responses to “The Gap”

  1. yduj Says:

    Not only is your muscle mass lovely just the way it is… I can tell you from experience that at our age by the time that mass increases by any noticeable degree neither of us will remember what the word gap means or where the sock drawer is.

    • iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

      first…i have to say–anyone who says something like “our age” becomes my third best friend. add ‘sweethear’, and you move into undisputed first place. now, to get back to the argyles…

  2. Ray Says:

    You may call it mind-numbing but I call it an escape. And as I result of that different mindset, I look forward to going two or three times a week. And look at the results I get!!!!

    Perhaps a little attitude adjustment will allow this new adventure to exceed your expectations!! Perhaps.

    PS – I love the special effects, I knew what it was right away!!

  3. iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

    ray.. if i was going to go in for an attitude-adjustmentectomy, believe me, there are other areas which are in much greater need.

    we’ll compare results after i’ve gone for a few months (those few months could take years!)

    glad you liked the snowfalkes!

  4. Jackie Weisberg Says:

    That reminds me, I gotta organize my sock drawer; it’s such a mess!

    • iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

      I knew this blog was good for something. a suggestion…i’ve found it’s best to do the arranging alphabetically–start with Argyle and work your way up to Yellow.

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