Scooter Pile

Yduj and I have  just returned from a few weeks spent in Australia and  I had planned on writing about our assorted experiences there.  I thought that it would be best to present this as a trilogy ….similar to my movie trilogy ( and…) except this time the trilogy would have  three parts , possibly four.   But, unfortunately, there’s been an intervening development which needs an airing.  Namely, I had an accident on my scooter. 

Actually, by the time all of the  damage was done to me, I was off the scooter.  Here’s the medium length version:  I had stopped at a red light at a circular drive near Prospect Park.  When the light changed to green I started going straight while the car on my right cut in front of me and made a left turn, narrowly missing me.  The car then stopped at another red light about fifty feet away.  I sensed an opportunity and scootered over to the car and shouted at  the young woman who was driving, “You almost killed me!”   She: “You were in the wrong lane!”  Me: “No I wasn’t and you almost fuckin’ killed me!”  She: “Fuck You!”   Me: “Fuck you!!”  (You can tell, I’m very good at this kind of thing).  I then turned my bike to head back from whence I came and all of a sudden, it took off…almost as if it was a renegade Toyota.  I totally lost control and wound up on a pedestrian island, hitting the brakes and apparently the accelerator at the same time.   The bike skidded onto its side and I was thrown off and continued skidding until my slide was stopped by a collision between my back and a stanchion located on the island.  I lay on the ground for a bit before slowly getting up to assess the damage.  I was bloody all over, badly skinned knee, gaping hole in my elbow with blood spewing but apparently nothing broken. (Subsequently, I learned that I had fractured my [tennis hand] thumb).  As I was in the process of checking myself out, blood everywhere,  the lovely driver of the aforementioned car lowered her passenger side window and, in a fitting coda to her part in the episode, yelled, “Serves you right, asshole!”   A nice flourish, no?  (It brings to mind a Sam Stein expression, circa 1952, 1954, 1958-62: “It could be worse….you could be married to her!”).

A number of good Samaritans came over and graciously offered all sorts of help.  I was pretty slow in responding to their questions and they collectively decided that I was in shock.  One of them was a pretty young woman in running gear who offered to take me up to her nearby apartment  to clean myself off.   I considered this and had a mini-fantasy.  (So, maybe I wasn’t in shock after all).   One particularly sweet woman stayed with me and called 911.  After about five minutes of waiting I decided I definitely didn’t want to be in an ambulance; so I righted the scooter and called Yduj to tell  her I’d had an accident and was coming over to her place.  I thought she’d take a look at my elbow and suggest  that we put some Betadine solution on it and cover it with a large band-aid. Hah! I guess I was in shock (shockingly stupid).  She took one  look at me and said we were going to the ER at Methodist Hospital.

I won’t bore you with the ER visit other than to report that it was decided that there wasn’t enough skin left on my elbow to stitch the wound and that it would be best to staple it shut.  That’s right STAPLE MY BODY!   A couple of interns were given this assignment and I got a clear impression that they had never done this before and were just thrilled to be able to work on a live body.  The two of them hovered over my elbow and had a small fight as to who would be the lucky stapler.  In any event, whoever did it, screwed up ’cause  I clearly heard, “Better get the staple remover”. Yes, STAPLE REMOVER!!  They couldn’t locate it;  I suggested that they look near the copy machine.  (That’s where we keep it in my office).  At any rate, Yduj (god bless her) got a real doctor to do the re-stapling.  After a long time I was discharged.

If you know me at all, you would know I’m not the kind of person to make grapefruit  juice from grapefruits (check your blog history for coining a phrase: but I do try to learn from these kind of events.  If nothing else, this has taught me that there has to be a way  less painful way to get material for a blog.  And, for sure, there’s got to be a much easier way to go about getting a tetanus booster shot.



13 Responses to “Scooter Pile”

  1. john pellegrini Says:

    Sorry to hear about your accident.
    I hope you’re feeling better.

  2. iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

    thanks john…. (apparently the accident has had an affect on my ability to respond cleverly…or even not-so cleverly. this could be worse than having to use my off hand for…….well, everything)

  3. Ray Says:

    When you look back at the situation does the thought ever cross your mind that maybe I shouldn’t have gone over to the car woman. Were you thinking that if you made her aware of what she did that she wouldn’t do it again to someone else?? Wrong! Do you always have to try and save the world?

    • iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

      ray.. of course it crossed my mind. in fact, that’s pretty much all i think about. in the history of mankind, i’ll bet no one ever went screaming over to another driver and got an apology.
      btw…it’s nice that you framed my rage as ‘trying to save the world’. it sounds so much more noble. let’s go with that.

  4. yduj Says:

    ….not to mention that intern#1 who affixed the first staple OUTSIDE of the wound..incurring further wounding.. led us around the hospital on a wild goose chase looking for the room he was assigned to use to IRRIGATE the HOLE in your elbow…while in possession of a bottle of “irrigating fluid”…aka distilled water…which he was then (after a compassionate nurses aid directed us to the assigned room)…not able to open!!

  5. iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

    yes… that, too. i think we may have the makings of a lawsuit here. i assume that Methodist has deep pockets. i kind of like the way this is going. yet another silver lining.

  6. David Says:

    Sorry to hear about this Neil….hope you recover quickly.

    My suggestion for safely riding a scooter is full body armor–of the 15th-16th century style. Might be a tad heavy, but you certainly wouldnt have some young lady daring to curse you out!

  7. iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

    thanks for the good wishes dave. frankly, i think i’m more the pillsbury doughboy kind of guy. btw…THAT was no lady!!

    hope all is well…

  8. Rich Says:

    Geez Neil. I’m so sorry to hear about your accident. Been there and done that myself several times over the years, on a bicycle. I hope the healing is going well. Did you get that…. person’s license plate. Any traceable digits, for possible retribution? If so, I’ll fly there tomorrow.

  9. iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

    Now, that’s what I call a friend! Problem is…you’re even thinner (altho wiry) than I am. We may need to get some more help.

  10. aidualc Says:

    you’re lucky she didn’t jump out of her car swinging a baseball bat, which is exactly what happened when my ex-husband took umbrage at being cut off by someone in front of the men’s shelter on the bowery back in the 80s. The ex gets out of the car brandishing a thermos, which was lying on the front seat, and the other guy gets out with a baseball bat, swinging it at the ex’s head. The crowd went wild, i kid you not, yelling “kill him, kill him, let’s see something good here.” you’re in new york baby, don’t doubt it for a minute.

  11. iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

    from what you’ve told me about your ex…..that was a good day.

  12. roberta berman Says:

    I was so sorry to read about your mishap. Let see your Uncle Joe had more
    sense. He’d only ride a bike at your age. Hope you feel better. Love Bert

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