I was talking with my girlfriend, yduJ (hereinafter referred to without the descriptor), and happened to mention that a long time back, I had gotten caught faking an orgasm with a woman I was having sex with.  Yes, that’s right….I faked an orgasm. yduJ thought this was hysterical and wanted to know some of the details.   I could remember the Who, Why, Where and When (kind of) of the event.  (I should have been a journalism major).  What I couldn’t seem to  remember clearly  is the conversation that took place immediately after I was found out.  This is probably why I’ll never be able to write a memoir (as it seems every third person in the world is doing).  For whatever reason, I can’t easily conjure up the thoughts, feelings or words at the scene of the long ago drama.   I’m always struck how  some writers are able to reconstruct details of events and conversations that took place decades ago.  Not all of those could have been that memorable.  I once had a writing instructor who suggested that to give an essay some real impact,  it’s sometimes necessary to “embroider” the writing.  That is, to make up some of the events or dialogue that have taken place.  To fabricate a bit.  TO LIE!!   God… I hope that’s not what Joan Dideon, Augusten Burroughs, et al have been doing!  At this point in my life, I really don’t need heroes with “feet of clay”.

But, in that spirit of knitting, crocheting and embroidering, I’ll try to re-create what transpired when I was caught flagrante delicto.  Our conversation probably went something like this:

Her: “You faked that!”  Me:  “No I didn’t!”  Her: “Yes you did!”  Me: “Did not!”   Her:  “Did too!”  Me: “Did not!”  Her: “Did too!”  Me: “Did not!”  Her: “You’re a jerk!”   Me: “Am not!”…..     As you may have guessed, writing dialogue is a weakness of mine.

 I’m not exactly sure why yduJ was so tickled by this story.  After all, I can’t be the only man in the world who has committed that kind of fakery.  I had never given much thought to that episode and I certainly didn’t consider it so unusual.   I’ve learned over the years that there’s almost no thought or experience I have that someone else (and often, many people) haven’t also had.  Being unique isn’t as easy as it sounds.

There’s a scene in Woody Allen’s  Annie Hall where Diane Keaton’s brother (played by scary Christopher Walken) is driving with Alvy in his car and mentions that he often has the urge to drive it off the road.  To just make a hard turn into oblivion.  There have been a number of times where I’ve also had that impulse.  Probably some of you, too.  Until I saw that scene I kept that piece of information to myself;  thinking that I was the only person who could possibly have such a crazy notion.  Obviously, not.

Why I faked the orgasm is a little complicated and although my need for privacy is often trumped by the artiste in me,  I’ll only give the short version here.  Essentially, I just wasn’t that into it (if I wasn’t as refined as I am, this would have been put differently) and I  felt too uncomfortable to say so.  In hindsight, that sounds a little crazy…even to me.  Although I don’t specifically know of any other men who have also faked it, I just sense that it can’t be that unusual.  What I did just couldn’t have been that heretical or singular.   After all, it’s not  as if I had stopped,  turned to this woman and  said something like, “I didn’t think that Meryl Streep was so  “wonderful” or “amazing” in ( fill in the blank).  Now, that would really make me unique.


3 Responses to “Oh!..Oh!!….Oh!!!!”

  1. ed Says:

    Ever been faked on? (or faked upon?)

  2. iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

    regularly…on the basketball court. otherwise, i’m pretty dim-witted when it comes to that stuff.

  3. Ray Says:

    Having trouble figuring out how you faked it!! I can see how it would be easy for a woman to fake, fake …. Just think of the Seinfeld episode or Meg Ryan. But usually there is some visible evidence when a man is finished. I will stop there. You can tell me in person.

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