… My Ass From My Eyebrow

There was an article in The Times a number of months ago that really intrigued me.  Nicholas Kristof wrote about an assortment of illnesses and abnormalities that were showing up as a result of some troubling chemicals called phthalates that  appear in modern life, often in  plastics, hair conditioners, toys, fragrances., etc.  There is some evidence that these phthalates “feminize” male fetuses.

There is something called “anogenital distance”—-the distance between the anus and the genitals, which is typically twice as long for males as for females. (Don’t you love science!)  Apparently, the presence of these chemicals is shrinking that distance and is causing a  “feminization” of  some baby boys…..resulting in undescended testicles and less penis volume.

I know this is no small or laughing matter so it’s with some caution that I continue. (But, anything even near  the penis is always of enormous interest to me).  A couple of things:  How in the world did anyone ever become aware of the difference in anogenital distance (AD) between men and women.  Is that the result of some locker room talk?  Or is it some sub-specialty of some other sub-specialty? This is just the kind of thing that keeps me up at night.

I bet that the difference can’t be huge–it’s not like the AD for men is a foot or two and women is half that.  My guess is that it’s more along the lines of maybe,  2″ and 1″ or something like that.  Just to be clear….and to ensure that people will continue to shake my hand (and more),  I haven’t  taken an actual measurement either of myself, my friends and/or romantic partners. (Also, probably a turn-off to show up with a retractable tape measure–at least, on the first date).

I imagine the scientists who do this kind of research are always looking for assistants for the “ass” “leg work”.   The real estate business continues to be (when seasonally adjusted) really slow.  And, I seem to have an aptitude for numbers.  I also happen to love latex gloves…  so maybe there’s an opportunity here for me to pick up some extra spending money. I’m not sure how one would look for that kind of work.  As best I know, Craig’s List doesn’t have that category (yet).

Just one more thing… in my never-ending and seemingly futile attempt to coin new terms, it would really be nice….and I mean really nice,  if collectively we start to make the transition from….”not knowing my ass from my elbow”  to … well, I think you know what I’d like.


11 Responses to “… My Ass From My Eyebrow”

  1. jackie Says:

    You’re like the John Updike of Park Slope, Neil.

  2. iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

    hi jackie… i wish i knew what that meant. since you ususally say nice things to me, i’ll take it in the best way. happy new year.

  3. jackie Says:

    Absolutely, meant in the best possible way, obviously. We’ll talk about Updike next time I run into you on Seventh Avenue…Happy New Year to you as well.

  4. Marilyn March Says:

    Hey Iron(ic)man
    “My Ass From My Eyebrow”? Seems like you’ve had a bad week. Are you crossing a point of no return?

    I’d rather hear about rats in your cellar or barn garage (if you will). This posting is borderline on the yuk scale….I know that you are gifted with better insights and observations. So, get it together and forget about dubious measurements.

    Wishing you the best of all 2010 worlds and words.
    Cordially, M

    • iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

      i take it you don’t like John Updike.

      i took a chance here…oh well. have a happy new year marilyn

  5. Richard Says:

    I’m actually repsonding to one of your very first blogs. I’m responding here becuase I don’t know if it would be seen had I returned to the earlier blog. It’s the one about the 93 year old man who divorced his wife of 60 years, and you’re wondering what would prompt such a thing.

    Well.. the other day a freind recounted the recent separation of her 90 year old parents, who have been maried for 67 years. The husband has apparentlty been quite a tyrant for all these years. His growing upset over his current infirmity and resulting powerlessness was the last straw for the suffering wife. She has moved out, got her own “pad” (along with her full-time care taker) and is happier then she’s been in many years. Is there no hope for any of us?

    Go figure. On the other hand makes perfect sense.

    • iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

      rich… that’s both inspiring and frightening. depending upon how much you’ve had to drink.

      hope all is well

  6. Kitty Says:

    You know it’s called the “Taint”…right?

  7. iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

    ‘kitty’ (if that’s in fact your name)….you’re making me feel both old and stupid. (depending upon how much i’ve had to drink) call me in the office tomorrow…or tell luap to translate it into some adult language i can understand.


  8. Judy Says:

    maybe some really resourceful researchers will come up with a correlation between two people’s anogenital distance and sexual/relational compatibility. Then, of course, there would be a category to list one’s AD on Match.com!
    I think I’ll just steer clear of guys with tape measures too close to their beds!

    • iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

      that’s an interesting idea. and of course, no one would EVER lie about something like that on match. i can just hear the conversation, “first, i have to tell you i’m older than i said i am, my eyes aren’t blue and my AD is off the chart.”

      but…still a good idea to stay away from guys with tape measures. (btw…guys get scared when they see a WOMAN with a tape measure)

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