Everybody Lies

I’m a real fan of the TV series House.  Hugh Laurie plays a cynical, acerbic doctor whose  mantra when trying to track down the origins of a patient’s disease is that,  “everybody lies”…meaning you can’t necessarily trust the information they’re providing.

I’ve been on-line dating for a while and I’m ready to talk about some of my experiences.   One thing is clear….(almost) everybody lies;  your favorite blogger also.  Not face to face, but in their on-line profiles.   It might be about their height (it’s more likely for men to lie about this); their relationship status–separated, divorced, never married; their body type; but mostly, they mis-state their age.  It’s not unusual to meet someone for a drink or dinner and be informed early on that “I’m not really  ‘x’ years old but rather ‘y’. ”  (In the history of on-line dating, “y” has never been less than “x”).  This has happened to me pretty frequently  over the last several weeks.  Usually, I counter with, ‘well, I’m actually a few years older than I said I was”.  (see Note)  And then we joke about the absurdity of the situation we find ourselves in.  But, a friend suggested to me  that the next time this happens, I should counter with…”I lied also….I’m really a woman”.  I think that could be fun.  And believe me, this enterprise needs to be  a lot more fun.

Another hallmark of the on-line dating experience is the lack of any normal rhythm in reaching out to someone, them getting back to you, talking on the phone, and then the coup de grace, the holy grailmeeting!  I find this particularly frustrating.  When I get agitated about this, Luap tries to calm me by saying things like “people are busy”, “it’s the holidays”, etc..  What he never says  is anything along the lines of  “maybe she doesn’t think you’re cute (enough) and has real ambivalence and there are twelve people who she may be more interested in than you.”   I love Luap.

I had the following experience:  When I first went on-line, I wrote to someone who I thought was interesting.  She didn’t get back to me (in the cyber world this is de rigueur for a “not interested”).  But a few weeks later, I did get a note back with the typical…”nice to hear from you;   yes we have some things in common, etc.  Would be nice to hear back.”  She neglected to include her name.   She had continued our “conversation” as if I had written her yesterday.   So, since apparently, I am not as busy as the rest of the world, I wrote her back within a few hours. Another two weeks went by before I heard from her.  Again, with the usual pro forma stuff and again including an invitation to hear back from me.  My feeling was at the rate we were going, I would be arriving at our “drink” with a walker.  So, I wrote the following:  “Dear whateveryournameis , I think this relationship is moving a little too quickly for me.  I’m feeling a little suffocated.  It’s probably best that we slow things down.  The no name thing is particularly intriguing.  Kind of  an interesting variation on the ‘every woman should have a little mystery about her’ theme.”  If you hear back from her….please let me know.

Note: At the time that I confess that I’m older than my profile indicates, I  explain that I’m also a bit taller than I had stated.  Kind of a “good news, bad news” thing.  Sounds like an equal trade-off to me.


12 Responses to “Everybody Lies”

  1. Jane Says:

    I request in my profile that men be within 5 years of their stated age and 1 inch of stated height. Thinking to add– and 10 poundsbod stated weight. Just worried that that last proviso would make me look too cold? While not changing a thing. The last 240 poundish guy I met who advertised 190 pounds insisted that he hadn’t weighed himself within the last 10 years, and at that time he was 190, so technically , he wasn’t lying.

    And yeah, I’m within my own parameters, the acceptable lying range.

  2. iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

    hi jane… you have a very pragmatic approach. an idea i’m toying with is a system of trade-offs. similar to the carbon emission arrangements being floated in the environmental movement.
    that is, say a man might be able to shave 2-3 years off his age for every inch he understates his height. add to the mix income levels, eye color, etc…we could develop a very complex (yet fair) algorithm which ensures that even if you don’t wind up meeting the person you thought you were going to meet, on balance, that person might be just as appealing.
    what do you think?

  3. Judy Says:

    hm-m-m…so let me get this algorithm right..the guy who wrote to me..claiming in his profile that he was 55..and then disclaiming this on the phone..(admirable admission) to admit to being 28 (he likes sexy older women)…might be be 4’10″…or is it 7″10″…
    uh oh…I’m getting confused…help.

    • iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

      judy… you’ve come to the right place. this is EXACTLY the thing I’m really good at. admittedly, you’ve thrown me a curve ball here but, given what you’ve presented, the man (boy) in question is 5′ 7 1/2″ tall and a little on the heavy side. more than likely, he likes fine dining (if you pick up the tab). nice to see you chime in.

  4. bob Says:

    The only problem with lying (other than the transient
    moral implications)….is getting caught! If you’re going to cheat, or steal, or in your case lie, do it right! First, you’ve got to photoshop your pic to payoff this deceitful practice. In my book, “Lie and Cheat Your Way Into Her Heart…Or At Least Her Bed,” I call this “Synchronized Lying” (soon to be an olympic event). Oh, I know what you’re thinking “but Bob, I’ll be exposed as a liar as soon as she sees me!” Not to worry, my friend. What you see is what you get. So choose a dimly lit place to meet (you can always call it romantic),
    where the lighting hides your wrinkles, age and liver spots and turkey neck (a turtleneck solves this problem rather easily but is a dead giveaway on a hot summer’s night). You’re one step ahead of the match.CON game…unless she arrives there first.

    • jim daniels Says:

      bob is on to something… something big. first, his humorous approach masks a savant in the art of seduction. it is obvious the man has slept with a number of attractive women and yet his humility does not allow him to fully expand on his techniques so those of us w/o said talent can “get some”. he has exposed ironic man’s twisted logic while at the same time branding him a geezer. ouch!
      iron(ic) man, are you going to take this lying (excuse me) down?!? i notice it’s the only comment you have yet to reply to.

      • iron(ic)man triathlon Says:

        jim… it’s evident to me that you’ve either been paid off by boB or you are IN FACT boB, using a pseudonym. I think I’m
        going with the second one. Just like the real boB, you’ve ended your last sentence with a preposition. his “handwriting” is all over that comment. and lastly, when you say that ‘bob is on to something…something big’, he may be on to it…but it’s not that large.

  5. ed Says:

    I just think if you got ‘coup de grace,’ ‘de rigueur’ and ‘pro forma’ all in one post you should put that in your bio. You’ll be beating them off with a stick! And that’s no lie.

  6. bob Says:

    Dear Lean (I feel as if I’m writing to a piece of pastrami),
    I am not Jim but obviously had to laugh at your narcissism, believing
    I was responsible for someone else’s candid and humorous reaction to your blahg. That would be plagarism.
    Speaking of which, title of the piece reminds me of the the song I wrote and shared with you from my musical entitled “Everybody Lies,” about a couple dating on match.Con who lie about their ages…and everything else.

  7. bob Says:

    dear Lien ( I feel like there is a legal action about to be taken against my
    property). I’m sorry I called you Lean before but I like pastrami better than legal actions so I hope you will understand.

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