The Vagina Dialogues

I was playing tennis the other day and pulled a muscle.  My groin. But when I need to explain why lately I’m unavailable  to play, I usually say I  pulled a quad or a hamstring.  I don’t like to advertise that  it’s my groin.  It just sounds somewhat indelicate to me.   Also,  it sounds as if it’s close to some of my private parts.   Actually, it’s very close to those private parts.  But the part in particular that I’m thinking of, is my penis.   It’s not that I’m shy about referring to my penis; it’s just that I really don’t like the word.  I’ve often thought that  it is a very unfortunate title for such a central part of a man’s life.   It  just seems that there’s  lots  of room for improvement in  that word choice.

A (woman) friend and I have had an ongoing dialogue about this very thing.  How the words that have been assigned to genitalia  just seem so inappropriate.  Or if not inappropriate, unappetizing-not mellifluous.  For example, we’ve spent a fair amount of time  considering the word vagina; thinking there must be  so many better options available.   One possibility that has come my way is calling it a “teacup”.   That seems just a tad too quaint and juvenile.  Too euphemistic.   Another that we considered and are inclined to settle on  is referring to that  body part  as a tulip. Now, isn’t that so much more pleasant sounding?  Of course, it is. But, it creates a problem in figuring out what to call those flowers from Holland. (Don’t even consider suggesting we call them “vaginas”)  I guess that’s one of the problems inherent in trying to re-name things using existing words.    Although, now that I think  about it, the Interboro Parkway was re-named Jackie Robinson Parkway and there doesn’t seem to be any confusion about that.   And of course, that means “Interboro Parkway” is now available.   I suppose we can use that for either those Dutch flowers or maybe something else.  Actually,  I’ve never really been thrilled with the word vulva. Maybe  that’s where the “Interboro” might wind up.  And along those lines,   these replaced names might be just the source for the renaming of the “penis”.  I know that the West Side Highway is now the “Joe DiMaggio Highway” and the Triboro Bridge is now the “RFK Bridge”.  I could easily see referring to the penis as “the West Side Highway”.  Or, “the Triboro Bridge.”.   I think either one would be a big improvement.


5 Responses to “The Vagina Dialogues”

  1. ed Says:

    A wonderful college girlfriend & I settled on “Herman.”
    Herman impressed, Herman satisfied.
    Herman was approachable.
    That once-girlfriend is now a professional writer who also has a blog.
    My prayers that she never sees her old moniker-of-choice online…

    – de (who recently took the RFK to get home)

  2. ed Says:

    de, Dammit! DE!!!

  3. RB Says:

    Mr. Ironicman,

    I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself as I imagined a health practioner telling a patient about a growth on his johnson or an OBGYN referring to an inflamed tulip, or are you suggesting the new terminology would only be in use in the realm of intimacy?

    • ironicman Says:

      good question.. i guess i would quickly lose confidence in any doctor who called my ass a ‘tushy’ or my penis, ‘joe dimaggio way’. actually, i would lose confidence in ANYONE who did that. i may have to re-think my entire thesis.

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